Tricky Dick Wagner

20 Jul

Holy shit! I’ve got a new hero!

silhouette

His name is DICK WAGNER. If he’s to be believed, DICK is a singularly bitter individual hailing from from KEARNEY, NEBRASKA (with no relation to the the rock ‘n’ roll animal).

All I’ve gleaned about him comes from the eleven acerbic reviews he’s penned for AMAZON.COM. Every damn one is worth shouting out loud in the face of the balding boomer teacher in your shitty Thurs. night community-college music apprec class. Mother of god, does he ever write with VENOM. A distant relative of BOYD RICE, perhaps? Whatever else you wanna say about him, DICK is a man who is CLUED UP.

Let’s start with his take on THE BEATLES’ Abbey Road:

By the late 1960’s, the Beatles were nothing but a self-indulgent gaggle of rich and drug-demented poseurs. But this didn’t stop them, those wild and wacky British buffoons, from trying to lecture the rest of us about how to live our lives. The result is nothing less than a spectacular and cruel example of the idle prattle of arrogant youth. A patch-work of bubble-gum philosophy and ghoulish narcissism. If only it would go away!!!

Oh fuck yeah!!! But you actually think Sgt. Pepper’s was some kinda great shakes? DICK will correct you on that:

The Beatles always exemplified everything we despise about celebrities. They were a bunch of rich beautiful people who woke-up one day and suddenly believed that their “deep thoughts” were going to save the world. Well, the verdict is in, and this syrupy confection of teen-aged rubbish didn’t save anything. In fact, it signified nothing more than the beginning of the end of the biggest waste of psychic energy in modern pop culture history. The 1960’s have mercifully ended. Now let’s add this tourtuous waste of time to the dung heap of trivial cultural slime that needs to be forgotten forever. Where’s the “Brady Bunch” when you really need them? Thank you for your time.

REM

The truth about REM has long been surpressed:

Here, in all their glory, is REM: the undisputed Pied Pipers of the bedwetters. While Michael Stipe’s nasal delivery evoked all the comfort of a German Stuka dive-bomber, the whimpering and ludicrous lyrical content became a beacon-call to legions of self-absorbed suburban cry-babies everywhere. In REM, we had a calculating and maudlin brood of cynical mountebanks who lounged in opulence while tormenting their naive minions with a decades-long barrage of unrestrained nonsense and pessimistic doomsaying. The embarrassing spectacle probably hit its painful peak in 1992, but it obviously has left a cultural skid mark that will take years to eradicate. This album is a one star stinker that might serve well as a gag gift.

Here! Here! (Cultural skid mark – this guy kills me).

Grateful Dead

And you think the DEAD are some kinda anti-establishment heroes? Sometimes so do, uh, I. But DICK? Well . . .

The Grateful Dead started out as a nice little San Francisco band with something to say; that their sophomoric rantings had no bearing in reality was beside the point. Then, somewhere along the “trip”, they became the McDonald’s of rock-n-roll. Rather than continue to churn out their brand of pleasant, country-tinged, folk rock ditties, the Greatful Dead inexplicably decided to conquer the world of bumper stickers, T-shirts, and Wal Mart ties. Before long, their bleating flocks of true-blue “Dead Heads” became infiltrated with armies of clueless debutantes and trust fund bedwetters, and the dream became a nightmare. Rock-n-roll’s most passionate visionaries for change became nothing more than another cog in the massive wheel of mass-marketed drivel. Pony-tailed poseurs and K-mart tie-dies could never right the ship, and the Greatful Dead now find themselves somewhere between “90210” and Justin Timberlake in the dining hall of generic pop cuisine.

or howbout

the Greatful Dead were nothing but an infantile gang of cackling tramps. While they fecklessly hawked their cheap ties to K-Mart, they relentlessly puked hour upon hour of gelatinized nonsense onto their pony-tailed legions of unemployed, mind-altered drones.

Yes I might just haveta return that GD baby romper I ordered for my brother-in-law’s kid. Maybe.

Old Airplane

And what of the almightly JEFFERSON AIRPLANE? Well, DICK identifies a new use for them:

It’s 2006, and I can’t sleep. To whom do I turn? How about our old friends the Jefferson Aeroplane! Who would have thought that five wimps and one tambourine-shaking dingbat could still cure insomnia after all these years? And you don’t even need a prescription!

Apparently, only 3 of 62 Amazon readers have found this review helpful. Though I’ll go out on a limb here and say these JA fans might be not be coming at DICK with the appropriate mindset. From the right angle – HATE can look oh so very, very SWEET.

Bee Gees

But of course, Mr. Wagner has taste buds as well, and that tongue on which they lie has licked the BEE GEES but good:

Five stars to the Brothers Gibb. The Bee-Gee’s of history proved that you don’t have to be some pretty boy, or a corporate goon, to make it to the top. They added equal parts crooner, bull-fighter, and groovemaster to produce some of mankinds most cherished monster hits, and they did it their way. No tricks. No pureed drivel. Just three men with a lot of guts and class. They may not be Bismarckian in the true sense of the word, but make no mistake: they wielded their own unique brand of “blood and iron” to secure that proverbial “place in the sun” for their mighty empire of fantastic ditties. An A+ for the awesome Aussie trio!!!

We at PIG STATE RECON applaude. Uproariously.

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5 Responses to “Tricky Dick Wagner”

  1. Lisa B-K July 20, 2007 at 10:59 pm #

    The comments are pretty fucking awesome too. People get so bent out of shape! IT’S THE INTERNET, FER CHRISSAKE!

    Def reminds me of something out of the Re/Search Pranks book, so right on the with Boyd observation.

  2. mrowster July 21, 2007 at 5:46 am #

    Yes and thanks for the hot tip! I managed to hear the ELOPE 3wd CD, and I totally think it’s brilliant. It might well be better than DEAD MAN.

    I didn’t get as far with BLACK BONZO, though . . . it’s very carefully done and all but OH MAN, those Keith Emersonisms and the general Italian prog feel is something that gets me thinking these guys pull their pants way too far up. This is not a good mental image.

  3. Lisa B-K July 21, 2007 at 9:10 pm #

    Which BB was it? I prefer the over-the-top craziness of the first, myself, but a couple dudes I know are more into the 2nd. I think they’ve changed their look recently…

    I think everything Elope have done is kickass. I mean, “Misbehaving in the Summernight”! C’mon!

  4. mrowster July 21, 2007 at 9:25 pm #

    It was that BB rec with the belching keyboard-led tune that sounded like a rewrite of URIAH HEEP’s “Easy Living”. Yes, that one.

    Clearly, ELOPE thoroughly understand song AND rock. Few bands can claim the same.

  5. Dave Lang July 23, 2007 at 8:48 am #

    Amazon is a goldmine of the good, the bad and the ridiculous when it comes to its reviews, and certainly Dick Wagner is up there somewhere.

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